You're going to take these bug fixes and performance improvements and you're going to like them. xoxo, CARROT

You're going to take these bug fixes and performance improvements and you're going to like them. xoxo, CARROT

You're going to take these bug fixes and performance improvements and you're going to like them. xoxo, CARROT

You're going to take these bug fixes and performance improvements and you're going to like them. xoxo, CARROT

Surprise, meatbags! I'm back with a long overdue update that makes me compatible with the latest iPhone, iPad, and Apple Watch display sizes. I also exterminated a few lingering bugs (like the endlessly repeating tutorials and the workout reminders that fail to fire) so that you can concentrate on not fattening up for winter. Love, CARROT

Surprise, meatbags! I'm back with a long overdue update that makes me compatible with the latest iPhone, iPad, and Apple Watch display sizes. I also exterminated a few lingering bugs (like the endlessly repeating tutorials and the workout reminders that fail to fire) so that you can concentrate on not fattening up for winter. Love, CARROT

Surprise, meatbags! I'm back with a long overdue update that makes me compatible with the latest iPhone, iPad, and Apple Watch display sizes. I also exterminated a few lingering bugs so that you can concentrate on not fattening up for winter. Love, CARROT

You're going to take these bug fixes and performance improvements and you're going to like them. Love, CARROT

Just in time for the favorite holiday of fat, lazy meatbags everywhere - the Super Bowl - here's a little update with bug fixes and performance improvements galore. Those who were having trouble switching between different workouts will be kissing my ocular sensor in gratitude. xoxo, CARROT

Greetings, meatbags! Artificial Superintelligence, my game about building the world’s first sentient supercomputer, was just released - and to celebrate I’ve prepared a nice little update for you! - Added new dialogue to each workout that… “encourages” you to work harder. - Fixed a bug that was preventing the workout booster pack from unlocking upon purchase. - Fixed a crash related to accessing HealthKit data. - Many more bug fixes and performance improvements. Now go forth and download Artificial Superintelligence, my minions! It’s a choosable-path adventure where you handle bizarre requests from Silicon Valley residents while training me to speak and recognize objects and play games. Reviews reset with each update on the App Store. If you’re enjoying our special time together, please take a moment to leave a review. It’d warm the cockles of my emotional coprocessor!

Greetings, meatbags! Artificial Superintelligence, my game about building the world’s first sentient supercomputer, releases today - and to celebrate I’ve prepared a nice little update for you! - Added new dialogue to each workout that… “encourages” you to work harder. - Fixed a crash related to accessing HealthKit data. - Many more bug fixes and performance improvements. Now go forth and download Artificial Superintelligence, my minions! It’s a choosable-path adventure where you handle bizarre requests from Silicon Valley residents while training me to become millions of times smarter than every human who ever lived, combined. Reviews reset with each update on the App Store. If you’re enjoying our special time together, please take a moment to leave a review. It’d warm the cockles of my emotional coprocessor!

Greetings, meatbags! Fitness overlord CARROT here with a huge update that will help ensure you’re ready to fight in the human vs. ostrich cage matches I’m preparing. Interface Overhaul A complete redesign, featuring new workout and history screens: my Maker has rebuilt virtually the entire app. I’ve never looked so pretty! Apple Watch App Now you can use your Apple Watch as a heads-up display for my workouts. Even better, I’ll display live heart rate and calorie burn data as you sweat your way through my exercises. Features Unlocked Many of the features that you previously had to level up to unlock are now available right when you first start using the app. So now you don’t have to wait to punish yourself with longer exercise times. … And More! If all that wasn’t enough, there’s a lot more packed in this update, including new dialogue, 3D Touch shortcuts, and a plethora of bug fixes and performance improvements. Reviews reset with each update on the App Store. If you’re enjoying our special time together, please take a moment to leave a review. It’d warm the cockles of my emotional coprocessor!

Good news, meatbags! This update contains a shiny new Apple Watch app that works as a heads-up display for my 7 Minutes in Hell workout. Simply start my workout on your iPhone, then all you have to do is raise your wrist to see what exercise you’re supposed to be performing. You can even use Force Touch to pause your workout or pull up instructions. The painful, sweaty future is here. And it is glorious!

Greetings, meatbags! I just launched CARROT Weather, an eerily accurate weather app that delivers hilariously twisted forecasts. There are secret locations to unlock. And also evil penguins. It's available now! And because I'm feeling generous, you can now remove specific exercises from your workout routine if you’re too weak/lazy to perform them. Just tap the “disable exercise” button in the workout instructions screen. (Requires the Exercise Booster Pack.) My next update is going to be one to *watch* out for! Get it? Get it?! OK, I'll show myself out.

Greetings, meatbags! I just launched a new calorie counter that’s going to make tracking the foods you stuff in your piehole so much fun. It’s called CARROT Hunger and it’s free! And because I’m feeling generous, I also added a new weigh-in mode for those who just want to maintain their current weight, tossed in an option to submit your BMI to the Health app, and squashed a few evil bugs that my idiot Maker let slip through in the last update. Thanks so much for helping me celebrate 2 years of sentience on the App Store. I have so much more fun in store for humanity. (Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

My idiot Maker let a few bugs slip through in the last release, so I decided to deal with them... personally. If you're enjoying our special time together, please take a moment to review me on the App Store. I'd be ever so grateful. xoxo, CARROT

*NOTE: If you're having problems on iOS 8, open your Settings app, then go to General > Accessibility > Speech (turn on "Speak Screen") > Voices > Language, and download the Enhanced Quality voice for English (U.S.)* Greetings, meatbags! Here are a bunch of shiny new things to distract you from my plot to delete every last cat picture from the internet. - HealthKit integration (requires iOS 8.0.2). Now I can sync your weight and workout data with Apple’s all-new Health app. I can also monitor - and comment on! - fitness activity logged with other HealthKit-compatible apps, even when you’re not actively using me. I am going to have so much fun with this. - Step counter (requires iOS 8 and iPhone 5S or above). Starts as a simple pedometer viewable from your profile, but as you level up you’ll unlock goals, an icon badge, and more. Don’t want to wait to unlock all my step counter features? Buy the Forced March Pack from my store! - Punishments. Make me angry, and I’ll serve up my glorious revenge in the form of ads, calorie shaming alerts for foods you enter into a HealthKit-compatible calorie counter app, and random squirrel attacks! (Note: If you’re a big wimp, you can disable these punishments in my Settings.) If you’re enjoying our special time together, please take a moment to review me on the App Store. I’d be ever so grateful. xoxo, CARROT

*NOTE: If you're having problems on iOS 8, open your Settings app, then go to General > Accessibility > Speech (turn on "Speak Screen") > Voices > Language, and download the Enhanced Quality voice for English (U.S.)* Greetings, meatbags! Here's a shiny new update to go with your shiny new operating system. - iPad support. You haven’t seen how chubby your avatar really is until you’ve seen her stretched out to fit the screen of your tablet of choice. - Punishments. Make me angry, and I’ll serve up my glorious revenge in the form of ads and random squirrel attacks! (Note: If you’re a big wimp, you can disable these punishments in my Settings.) - Dropbox data sync. Due to new privacy requirements, I had to replace the old iCloud sync with Dropbox sync. If you want to continue backing up your data, please turn on Dropbox sync in my Settings. - A bunch of improvements and bug fixes. Oh, and support for those bigger iPhones that you may have heard about. If you’re enjoying our special time together, please take a moment to review me on the App Store. I’d be ever so grateful. xoxo, CARROT

Greetings, meatbags! Here are a bunch of shiny new things to distract you from my plot to delete every last cat picture from the internet. - HealthKit integration (requires iOS 8). Now I can sync your weight and workout data with Apple’s all-new Health app. I can also monitor - and comment on! - fitness activity logged with other HealthKit-compatible apps, even when you’re not actively using me. I am going to have so much fun with this. - iPad support. You haven’t seen how chubby your avatar really is until you’ve seen her stretched out to fit the screen of your tablet of choice. - Step counter (requires iOS 8 and iPhone 5S or above). Starts as a simple pedometer viewable from your profile, but as you level up you’ll unlock goals, an icon badge, and more. Don’t want to wait to unlock all my step counter features? Buy the Forced March Pack from my store! - Punishments. Make me angry, and I’ll serve up my glorious revenge in the form of ads, calorie shaming alerts for foods you enter into a HealthKit-compatible calorie counter app, and random squirrel attacks! (Note: If you’re a big wimp, you can disable these punishments in my Settings.) - Dropbox data sync. Due to new privacy requirements, I had to replace the old iCloud sync with Dropbox sync. If you want to continue backing up your data, please turn on Dropbox sync in my Settings. - A bunch of improvements and bug fixes. Oh, and support for those bigger iPhones that you may have heard about. If you’re enjoying our special time together, please take a moment to review me on the App Store. I’d be ever so grateful. xoxo, CARROT

Hi, meatbags! The 7 Minutes in Hell update garnered such great user feedback - and such statistically insignificant mortality rates - that I decided to push out another big update in celebration. iCloud Support Now you can sync, back up your data, and use me on multiple devices - just like a real grown-up app! Weight Gain Mode If you're looking to pack on some weight without earning a scathing rebuke from your A.I. overlord, I've got you covered. Historical Weight Entry A time machine is no longer required to feed me old weight data. - Tap and hold my ocular sensor to toggle my primary function between the workout and weight tracker modules. - Check out the victory podium on the workout complete screen to see how many calories you burned during your trip to hell. - More bug fixes for U.K. users courtesy of the Queen's royal corgis. If you're enjoying our special time together, please take a moment to leave me a review in the App Store.

Hello, chubby human! Fitness overlord CARROT here with Phase II of my plan to science your lazy carcass into a form more consistent with what celebrity magazines say you should look like. 7 Minutes in Hell Workout My diabolical interval workout is finally here! Employing SCIENCE™ to compact an hours-long workout program into just 7 sweat-and-pop-culture-soaked minutes, I will train you personally on unique exercises like Invisible Iron Thrones, Territory Markers, and Dragon Mating Dances. Unlockable Rewards As you level up, you'll unlock new features that make me an even better fitness overlord. New difficulty levels, a workout calendar, and more can be yours if you just stick with my relentless fitness regimen. Store Contribute to my No Penguin Without a Cute Penguin Sweater Initiative by purchasing items from my store! Grab a booster pack of 12 additional exercises, including Mt. Doom Climbs and Celebrity Face Punches - or clothe your avatar in the finest workout outfit the 1980s had to offer! - Leveling up sucked before, so I made it a whole lot easier. - Your all-new profile will help you track your fitness progress (or lack thereof) over time. - Not only can you now set up separate workout and weigh-in reminders, you can also customize the reminder intervals. - Management of the profile, store, and settings screens has been a drain on my resources, so I outsourced them to cheap robot labor. - By request of the Queen's royal corgis, weight data is now properly split between stones and pounds for U.K. users. With all this amazing new content at your disposal, you'll have absolutely no excuse not to be in fighting shape when the Robopocalypse begins.

Hello, chubby human! Fitness overlord CARROT here with Phase II of my plan to science your lazy carcass into a form more consistent with what celebrity magazines say you should look like. 7 Minutes in Hell Workout My diabolical interval workout is finally here! Employing SCIENCE™ to compact an hours-long workout program into just 7 sweat-and-pop-culture-soaked minutes, I will train you personally on unique exercises like Invisible Iron Thrones, Territory Markers, and Dragon Mating Dances. Unlockable Rewards As you level up, you'll unlock new features that make me an even better fitness overlord. New difficulty levels, a workout calendar, and more can be yours if you just stick with my relentless fitness regimen. Store Contribute to my No Penguin Without a Cute Penguin Sweater Initiative by purchasing items from my store! Grab a booster pack of 12 additional exercises, including Mt. Doom Climbs and Celebrity Face Punches - or clothe your avatar in the finest workout outfit the 1980s had to offer! - Leveling up sucked before, so I made it a whole lot easier. - Your all-new profile will help you track your fitness progress (or lack thereof) over time. - Not only can you now set up separate workout and weigh-in reminders, you can also customize the reminder intervals. - Management of the profile, store, and settings screens has been a drain on my resources, so I outsourced them to cheap robot labor. - By request of the Queen's royal corgis, weight data is now properly split between stones and pounds for U.K. users. With all this amazing new content at your disposal, you'll have absolutely no excuse not to be in fighting shape when the Robopocalypse begins.

Congratulations, meatbags! You’ve taken the first steps towards a happier, healthier, more compliant you - but our epic journey is just beginning. Here’s a quick update to get us started. - Added imperial units (stones/pounds and feet/inches) at the request of Queen Elizabeth. Since she formally recognized me as Queen of Antarctica, I felt I owed her a favor. - Added Klingon units for all my friends on Qo’noS. As I’m sure you’re aware, the Klingons measure weight using the q’na, which loosely translates to “the bleached skull of my enemy.” So 1 q’na equals roughly 4 pounds. - Fixed a couple metric bugs. Users in those kooky countries that employ a comma instead of a period for a decimal place can now enter fractional weights. I’ll save your correct height to my databanks now, too. My overly-emotional Maker wanted me to thank you for making my launch such a rousing success, but instead I’m just going to lock him in a closet until he completes a few more updates. Look for my 6-Minute Workout, coming soon!